I'm 30 weeks on Sunday and starting to feel even more overwhelmed than I have been. One site summed it up: you hit a point where to stop counting how far along you are and you starting counting down how little time is left.
And then you panic.
We have yet to take a childbirth class. Pickins are slim - who knew that people sign up for those things at five months? Not me. I imagine if we had been seeing the same ob over and over, it might be different, but I feel like we've sort of been left to our own devices. And $200 for a class? Are they crazy? Don't they know we have all this stuff we need to buy for this little bugger?
Pediatrician? We should have been interviewing one of those, but I'm lost. He'll have a pediatric cardiologist and he'll see doctors at Childrens for quite a while. Where does a local pediatrician fit in? How do we even begin to find one that works with babies with serious heart conditions?
I can't stay on top of my planning and grading for school without getting completely wiped out. Where does all of this fit in?
I'm starting to think about packing the hospital bag. While I find lists of what to bring for the delivery and discharge, I have no idea what life looks like for us afterwards. It's not like we don't live close enough (45 minutes) that we couldn't go home and get stuff, but I don't know that either of us will want to leave the baby at any point, especially to go that far. I know we have friends and family who can do it - but I wouldn't even know what to think about what we might need. My brain just can't process it. They told us to expect to be there for 2 weeks - are we staying at the hospital? Ronald McDonald House? A hotel?
We've decided not to have a baby shower. I'd rather do something small when he's home and stable and through the first surgery. Little by little we're accumulating the things we need, but I'm in internal-freak-out mode. What if he comes early? What if we don't have the car seat installed? What will we bring him home in? We don't have anything warm! When do people do all these things? What if I don't get the birthing class done before he makes his appearance? What the hell am I doing?
I know that it is what it is, and everything will come together - but I'm a planner. I like knowing the items on the list are crossed off and we're prepared for anything. I just feel so... out of control. Overwhelmed. Nervous. I just don't know what to expect, and I don't handle that well at all. I wish I could get my brain to focus, but it just doesn't seem to want to.
I feel like we're outsiders - there's this whole world of pregnancy, and we don't fit in. Most of the traditional stuff doesn't apply to us, and there's so little out there that does. I've given up reading most things - it all just makes me sad.
What I really need is a glass of chardonnay. How nice would that be?