Some days are tougher than others. Today is one of those days. Hell, it's been a whole lot of those days all squished together.
I'm angry that what's supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life feels like a black hole instead, and I'm not sure how to get out.
I hate that I'm not enjoying being pregnant, but I'm not ready for the next step.
I'm scared that if I'm hopeful, it's going to kick me in the face in the end, and then what do I do?
I'm angry that I feel like I'm one of the few people being realistic and that I can't snag and hold on to the hope everyone else seems to so easily embrace.
I'm sad that I'm not excited, and I'm angry that I feel like I'm taking away that excitement from the people around me.
I'm terrified of getting prepared and coming home empty-handed.
I feel like someone stole my rose-colored glasses and is playing a mean trick on me, hiding them where I can't find them. I'm terrified of losing that part of me that always managed to see the bright side of things. That's always been my favorite part of who I am.
I feel guilty about all of this, because I'm afraid it's going to transfer to Sammy, and none of this is his fault.
I'm tired of crying, but it's the only thing I seem to do well lately. Ask Jay - I have it down to an art form.
I'm afraid people think I'm overreacting, but I don't know how to let go of all of this. I've tried. Trust me.
So there you have it, in all its cheery condensed form. Somehow, now, I have to face an assembly of students. Happy Monday.