Please forgive me if this seems scattered. My brain's not functioning correctly right now.
I wish I had the words to even begin to express how grateful and touched and supported and loved we feel. Your emails and comments constantly remind that we're not alone in this. We're blessed with amazing family and friends, and I'm amazed at how incredible each of you, who took time to email or write or comment or think of us, are as well. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough. Please forgive me, though, if I don't get back to you for a while.
I did something today I very rarely do - I left work. My colleagues were very supportive and shifted schedules to make sure my classes were covered. I made it through first period, and while I was there, I wasn't there. I need an afternoon to take care of myself. I'm going to rest on the couch and drink tea and talk to the bebe and promise to take care of him the best that I can, whatever that means. My stomach has been teetering on vomiting for days, but I know he needs something more than pumpkin cookies for lunch. So that's what I'm going to focus on - taking care of us. And when his daddy gets home, we'll take care of each other. Tomorrow, my parents will be here to take care of us. Thursday, his mom. Friday - I drug myself up and we go in for the amnio.
Yesterday, his kicks were emotionally painful for me, a constant physical reminder of everything going on. As the cardiologist explained everything, it was kick, kick, kick. Last night, we were both struggling with falling asleep, and bebe started up his soccer game. I grabbed Jay's hand and placed it on my belly; within moments, he exclaimed, "Was that him?!" For the first time, he felt the bebe kick. Talk about an onslaught of emotions. With some of the paths we have before us, I'm grateful he finally got to feel him.
My head is spinning with what our lives are going to be like when he gets here and we're faced with surgeries and a child who won't be able to tolerate crowds - or daycare - for a long, long time. I was worried about how a baby would change our lives - with this, I feel like someone picked up everything we had ever hoped or planned, turned it upside-down and dumped it on us in complete disarray. I know I need to start small, focus on today, then tomorrow, and the day after - but still, the large fears loom.
Right now - nap. Maybe something other than a pumpkin cookie for lunch. Perhaps some girl time with Erin. Not reading sites on HLHS, and definitely not spending time thinking about the asshat who cut in front of me to take my parking spot this morning (and almost ending up in a fight because of it). But the important thing - I need to do whatever my body and baby need right now. I've never been good at letting people take care of me; right now, it doesn't sound like such a bad idea.